matt emailed me and invited me to lunch today. i was happy to join him.
it was so nice sitting outside, eating and catching up. today was an example of how things can be between us when we both work for it.
marriage is work. we think if it’s “right” it will be easy, but that’s bullshit. we both need to be working all the time. when we’re not, we stumble and it gets harder to get back up every time.
matt was out of town for 5 days this week. we spent the week very busy on opposite sides of the country, yet making the effort to reach out with a thoughtful “missing you” text here and there. we both participated in those attempts to connect with one another.
it’s always been hard when matt travels. he’s not a phone person and i always say that it’s like interviewing him when we talk – it’s like i need a list of questions because his level of participation in our conversations tends to be pretty pathetic. that was the same all week this week,which frustrates me. it seems so hypocritical next to the “i miss you” texts.
he came home early this morning after no sleep (bachelor party last night). he went to his apartment to nap while the kids and i cleaned my house. we had plans to meet at the theater for a 1:30 movie with the kids. he got there right at 1:30, so i had to leave the kids in the theater alone to get him his ticket (no will-call). he didn’t smile or act glad to see me at all. i actually put my arm around him and squeezed him. i reached up to kiss him, but with little effort on his part, i actually missed the first time and had to go back in just for simple kiss on the cheek. it was such a heartbreak for me to feel him so withdrawn from me after being away for 5 days.
after the movie, he wanted to take the kids back to his place, so yet again, i felt no effort from his side. i shouldn’t have, but out of frustration, i just sort of said bye to him and turned and walked away. i know one of my weaknesses is that when i feel him pull away, my reaction is to pull away too instead of reaching out to him. i should have reached out to him today and i regret that.
i just get SO tired of feeling like i have to be the captain of this ship all the time. i want HIM to take some control sometimes too. i know that this whole situation is difficult. it’s hard for me just like it’s hard for him, but it we want to try to reconcile, we have to both be making an effort toward that. we can’t keep falling back into our old patterns.
i took the kids backpacks and some clothes over to him tonight in an effort for us to spend some time together. that didn’t go as well as i was hoping either. i know he’s tired, but when i got there, i sat next to him on the couch, propped my feet up with his and put my hand on him. i felt nothing in return.
after the kids were in bed, we watched the news for a bit, made some small talk, yet again, i felt nothing from him. he didn’t reach out for me, nothing.
when i left, i kissed him and told him goodnight. i give myself credit for that because i was frustrated and wanted to walk out without making any effort to reach out to him, but i didn’t.
why is it so hard for us to be on the same page at the same time?
looking forward to therapy on wednesday.
so 26 hours ago, matt and i had a heated argument over the phone that involved lots of yelling from my end. i was furious.
he called me to air some grievances from our counseling session on thursday. his version of part of the discussion (obviously paraphrased):
me: neither one of us reaches out to the other when we are feeling disconnected from one another.
him: i agree.
me: if you were feeling disconnected from me, would you reach out to me in some way?
him: yes.
me: i don’t believe you.
my version of the “i don’t believe you” convo:
me: it was painful and insulting to hear matt tell me that the longer he’s separated from me, the more he wants to be away from me. (to him:) how would you feel if i told you that the more i was away from you, the more i wanted to be away from you. would that make you want to work harder on staying connected?
him: yes, i would still want to work on reconnecting.
me: i don’t believe you.
so now i’m wondering if it’s just that we each focus on the part(s) of the conversation(s) that have the most meaning to us individually. for me it was about how much it hurt me that he said that he wanted to be with me less. but he was more focused on me saying i didn’t believe him.
fast forward 26 hours to right now…
matt and i went out together tonight. we had planned this earlier in the week, but then kept the date even after things got heated last night. and i’m so glad we didn’t cancel.
no matter how things are between us, we always have a deep-rooted spiritual and physical connection. i feel intimately connected to him when i’m near him. i feel like i have to reach out and touch him. or that i just feel this constant connection between us. i just wonder if that’s how all couples feel around each other – the fact that we can be 8 weeks separated and i can still feel this way about him…what does that say?
i’m not sure yet, but one day at a time i’m getting there.
all i know is that from the depths of my soul i am still feeling how much i love him. and if that is the case, can’t we just work work work work until we can learn to communicate better in the day to day? i can only hope because my heart just can’t bare to lose him forever.
separated 6 weeks and i still carry my wedding ring around with me in my wallet.
i’m too sentimental not to believe that there is some meaning behind why i can’t bring myself to take it out of my wallet.
so my husband and i separated 6 weeks ago after a very tumultuous year in our relationship. the separation has been the best thing and the worst thing to happen to us (i’ll expand on that more later).
we spent the first few weeks of our separation completely apart and not knowing how to act or how to manage our still intertwined lives (we have a 6 year old daughter and a 4 year old son so we will forever be intertwined).
after the first few weeks of separation, we started spending time together. just being close to each other, holding each other, really talking and then we became romantic again. our time together is always without the kids – either on a night with a babysitter or after they are in bed.
but now, things feel worse than ever.
we had our first joint therapy session on wednesday (i had resisted when we first separated because i was so hurt and angry and frustrated and i didn’t even want to think about reconciling). i was really hoping counseling would help get us back closer to the same page (maybe back in the same book?) but it definitely didn’t pan out that way.
i could tell during the session that Matt was angry and hurt. he stopped talking at one point and really withdrew. he shared with me his feelings from that session last night in a phone call that ended up with a lot of yelling and anger on my part. when he retold some of the topics from therapy, his version of what was said was completely different from how i remembered them. how do you work through that???
he says that for every day he’s away from me, he wants to be with me less. i guess he’s saying that our separation is pushing him further away. a lot of this is because he says that he needs physical closeness to feel connected to me. it is hard to have physical closeness when we are separated, so how do we stay close if we are going to maintain a separation while we work through our issues and see if we can reconcile?
i just don’t know.
it hurts me so much to be away from him, yet i know it’s what we need to work on ourselves as individuals and to work on ourselves as a couple. we have years of unaddressed issues and poor communication to work through. we just need some basic skills before we stand a chance.
for months as i’ve struggled in my marriage (ugh, months has actually turned into 1+ years), i’ve had friends and counselors suggest journaling.
i’m going to try blogging. i can do it wherever i am and not have to worry about carrying something with me.
i’m overwhelmed at where to start so i will start with today and go backwards as needed…
tobeornottobe...married 